seneca

They lose the day in expectation of the night, and the night in fear of the dawn.

- Seneca

I think I had the wrong view about what it meant to live. I felt indignant, like my time was being robbed from me when I had to sit at home to study for the MCAT instead of going out on a sunny day, when I went out to have fun at night but still had a pit of anxiety reserved for the work I did not complete. Worse yet, I refuse to think about yesterday. I have roped off the past year thinking that venturing there would give me regret, for a life that remained unexamined until it already passed. These are the things that worry me the most.

So let's go there right now, together. What was so bad about the previous year? One, I lost focus academically. My self-esteem dipped when I felt I could no longer learn things like I used to, and keep my attention reserved for the book I was reading. Recall became a heavy chore, and my mind felt like it was trying to sabotage itself in this tug-of-war. Two, this made me cognitively exhausted. I did not want to do much other than socialize and seek entertainment. I feel like this made me more irritable, frustrated, and immature. I was going through the motions of life, but very few times did I actually feel immersed in it.

But wait --- a lot of great things happened too. 

I perhaps have enjoyed one of the closest periods of friendship in my life. Friendships seem more transient than ever in my generation, but sometimes you will fall into one that allows you to take a piece with you and retain it within yourself. I think this will be one of those friendships. The best friends are always the ones who bring out a side of you that you wish was expressed more, in whose presence you feel the most genuine. You want to encapsulate that part of you -- the part that reveals itself in their presence -- and carry it with you onwards in your other interactions. 

That's how I feel with another special person I met this semester because we both stayed in Canada. Although I don't know what the future holds, I should always think it was a stroke of luck that we are both here. It is not that he makes me feel comfortable about the kind of person I am, but that he points out things about myself that I did not realize before---and in doing so, makes me inspired to be more aligned with the positive conception that he has of me. The good side of my character includes being outgoing and extraverted when I want to, being able to infuse spirit and positivity in a conversation when I myself am positive, and oddly, that I have a clear voice that is easily heard. Because of that last one, perhaps I should work to have opinions that are worth projecting.

I got to spend a lot more time with my mom - time that was bad at times, but also good in others (when I watch Cobra Kai alone at dinner a couple months from now, I surely will think of her). I also prioritized exercise more seriously than I ever did in my life. By doing so, I became stronger and more motivated. I also got to watch a lot of films and find relaxation and happiness all on my own. A peaceful evening, with twinkling lights.

So was the previous year really all that bad? The hardest part is always confronting what we didn't like. But when we look at them closer, we find that even negative episodes are always good experiences. No one goes through life without experiencing any hardship.. everyone deals with different shit, on all different levels of severity, so you're not special in any of that. In fact, the shit that you deal with -- someone might gladly exchange their much worse shit for yours.

We should remember that there is always a reason that we go through personal struggles. Its because they make you more mature. They give you a point of comparison, and they give you the drive to improve. You had difficulty focusing? Maybe that's just code for needing to spend less time on your phone, more time exercising, and finally sticking to a consistent sleep schedule. Better to learn these things through one hard year than a decade of unawareness. No one had an easy time anyways, trying to study, relax, and be productive at home. Everyone is more on edge than usual. Don't whine about this -- your academic performance didn't even suffer. If it's just a matter of ego, just let go of it and realize that what you learned that year greatly outweighs the times you felt frustrated. 

Plus, it isn't so hard for you to focus anyways - you're making pretty good progress on the MCAT. One day spent at home is not a wasted day. You will have many other opportunities to come back to Vancouver and experience it to your hearts content. Remember that you are studying not out of obligation, but because you want to be the kind of person who can give strength to others. And although that person will be a part of your future, you are growing towards them every day. I don't think there is anything else more valuable that you can do with your time. There is no one more in-control of your life than yourself. There will be enough time if you will it so be so, and you spend your time in awe of the vigor, color, and breadth that life has to offer.

Don't get me wrong about staying busy though - purposeful leisure is one of the most valuable things you can spend your time on. But for it to truly be leisure and not just idleness, you need to let go of your worries and save them for another time, another day. You need to spend leisure time deepening your friendships and expanding your perspective. To be the person who you know you can become, you need to do the things that you imagine that person would do. You should read the books, eat the food, and think about life in a positive manner. Remain unhurried in your pursuits, but always remain hungry. Remember that humans by nature have faults, and on many occasions fall victim to them. You should not feel dejected by this, but learn to pick yourself back up and resolve to learn how to face your weaknesses head-on. If you want to be someone who can inspire others to be better, you first have to be someone they can look up to. Drink from the river of life as it flows by you, all while keeping in mind that it is a limited resource. Prioritize a few things: Sleep, exercise, relationships. 

To live a full life, it is not sufficient to simply keep yourself occupied. To live in expectation for the many goals you yearn to reach is one of the most fatal things you can do to actually living. Because it makes it so easy for the present to slip away in-between your fingers, in anticipation for a tomorrow. Do not begin to live when you must cease to live.

Cf. the epitaph quoted by Cassius Dio, lxix. 19: 

Σίμιλις ἐνταῦθα κεῖται βιοὺς μὲν ἔτη τόσα, ζήσας δὲ ἔτη ἑπτά.

"The part of life we really live is small." For all the rest of existence is not life, but merely time.