windmill of montmartre

 Find things beautiful as much as you can, most people find too little beautiful

-Vincent Van Gogh





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fishing

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Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. I drink at it; but while I drink I see the sandy bottom and detect how shallow it is. Its thin current slides away, but eternity remains.  Henry David Thoreau, Walden
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stargazing pt 1

I often try to distract myself in order to not think of the negative things at all. Whether thats by being unproductive, or trying to be overly-productive, I am an expert at avoiding confrontation with the long-term thoughts that actually bother me. Clearly, I'm building an imaginary dam - one not being bombarded by a violent storm, but rather tides that tend to ebb and flow. maybe that's why I created this mindset of "distraction" as a solution. It isn't like I hate responsibilities, but rather, it's the idea of wasting time on tasks i don't even know will produce fruitful results. It's being overly focused on the future. But why should we think like this? why do choices equal opportunities for failure? Just demolish the dam, allow the things i'm worried about to come in and be acknowledged, and then let the water settle. your mind should be a still spring - clear, and reflecting yourself in the present. It's not good to compare yourself t...
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seneca

T hey lose the day in expectation of the night, and the night in fear of the dawn. - Seneca I think I had the wrong view about what it meant to live. I felt indignant, like my time was being robbed from me when I had to sit at home to study for the MCAT instead of going out on a sunny day, when I went out to have fun at night but still had a pit of anxiety reserved for the work I did not complete. Worse yet, I refuse to think about yesterday. I have roped off the past year thinking that venturing there would give me regret, for a life that remained unexamined until it already passed. These are the things that worry me the most. So let's go there right now, together. What was so bad about the previous year? One, I lost focus academically. My self-esteem dipped when I felt I could no longer learn things like I used to, and keep my attention reserved for the book I was reading. Recall became a heavy chore, and my mind felt like it was trying to sabotage itself in this tug-of-war. Two,...
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